There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
