to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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