he puts the penis in happiness.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
