By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
