I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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