I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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