i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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