Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
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Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
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He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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