mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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