If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i think i have herpe
just one?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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