You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
