Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
