So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
