So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
