I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
50% drunk capacity currently
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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