sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
