Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
