i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You may now shotgun with the bride
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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