if i can run in heels then i can drive
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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