It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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