this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
