I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
