I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
