I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just saw a hot homeless man
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize