you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
