I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
