Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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