dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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