I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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