I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
