Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
