when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
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He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
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I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"