I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
