My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
