i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We need a shit load of segways right now
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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