she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
