It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
