My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
