She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
