Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
