I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
