My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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