I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
