I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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