He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
