I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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