Don't make out with my wife yet
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
