I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
