Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
