Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
