I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
