how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
