My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
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well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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