Tell her she can't have a vagina
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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