Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Quick, to the slutcave!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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