ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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