I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
