I wish I only lived at night.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
