i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
